G: Gnomeland Security

g-nome
Winkidink Sidooroo, local garden gnome

Garden Gnomes

Many gardeners fear garden gnome infestations. They see one scurrying gnome and think their flower bed will be overrun. I hope this humble post can put the kibosh on this hurtful misconception.

The Facts

Gnomes tend to be solitary and territorial. Female gnomes are so rare the population is endangered.

Gnomes can travel through soil as easily as we can walk through air. If you live in an urban area with compacted soil, the presence of a gnome is very good news indeed. They are better at aerating soil than even the mighty earthworm.

Peace Loving Creatures

Many garden gnomes have red caps. Because gnomes are secretive their culture is not well understood. People have somehow jumped to the conclusion that the caps are reddened from being dipped in the blood of enemies. As a result, gnomes are now the number one terrorist threat on several security lists.

This cap nonsense is a terrible lie spread by the same people trying to discredit the animal rights movement and environmentalism in general. Gnomes are vegans and pacifists. They are so gentle they can’t even trim their own beards.

gnome chomskyEdit: While researching this topic I ran into a charming site. I hate it when people try to sell things on blogs and I haven’t actually bought anything from this guy but … I encourage you to take a look at Just Say Gnome because it might cause a smile.

And: Something that might not make you smile. If you haven’t already, do check out Green is the New Red by Will Potter which documents how the FBI uses anti-terrorism resources to target environmentalists. One woman, Lauren Gazzola, even found herself incarcerated in a federal prison for running a website championing animal rights. Scary stuff. The book reads a bit like a thriller but goes a bit further: it includes a fascinating discussion on why some people find the environmental movement so threatening they are prepared to squash free speech.

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22 thoughts on “G: Gnomeland Security

  1. Hello fellow gnome-lover. :) Thanks for showing your appreciation for my Gnome post for G! I agree they are solitary, and they might be pacifists, but they will definitely give you a grumpy face if you mess up their garden or step on their toes. I don’t think they should be mistaken for friendly, but they are excellent companions when you give them their space.

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    1. heh
      As David Bowie might say: I ought to report you to the Gnome office. ;)
      Earth creatures like earthworms and gnomes are -supposed- to creep.
      I don’t know about the movie but hopefully someone might remember. Sorry.

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  2. There’s also a crazy Etsy shop with some strange Gnome-like creatures. I saw it a while ago, and I’m not in the mood to go looking for it (I’m sure I’ll end up on some strange ride finding all sorts of interesting things, but I’ve got to leave in about 3 hours), but it had zombie gnomes and the like. Kind of funny.

    I did not know nearly any of this about the creatures. If I had a garden I’d keep a more careful lookout.

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    1. They are secretive plus I think many have gone underground because they just don’t feel safe. =)
      heh zombie gnomes …

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  3. I had to grin when I saw the gnomes and Gnome Chompsky. So many used to call my blog the Gnome Blog because I did so many hand-painted gnome cartoons. I even had a tab for gnomes up until last year with them – they are so cute. I did not want to get typecast with gnomes so I stopped painting them. I still like the little guys though, just not in my garden.

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    1. Just when you think you gno someone!
      Maybe someday you will reprise a couple gnome cartoons. I’d love to see your vision of them. I am such a fan of all your work.

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  4. I’d mention we have a foster gnome on the premises but who wants to land on the no-fly list for harboring a suspect? Not me. So I’ll simply say we might have been, in the super recent past, gnome-adjacent.

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  5. You never see them round here. People don’t like them. They are probably worried in case they move in next door and marry their daughter. Unlikely wearing a silly hat like that.

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  6. Wonderful! The first gnome pictured can live in my garden any time. Gnome Chomsky I’m afraid, if I see him any where near my garden, I’ll be forced to set the dogs on him. *shivers*

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